5:42 am

This is hilarious. Waiting for McDonald's to open, I called about four different McDonald's in Racine. None of them open until 6. Way to disappoint. I don't even like McDonald's.. I think were just going to head over to Denny's in a little bit here. I probably should've slept, sorry TarTar.

Also I've got the hiccups, which is completely horrible. You know what would be absolutely hilarious? If Audrey's Mom made us go to church. I don't have anything substantial to write, and no reason to be writing really because my company is much more entertaining than writing. 

Asta-la-viesta, baby.

P.S. I experienced my first hookah today. 

Lake Michigan, sitting in the sand, broken apart piers. A fire, and blueberry tobacco.

Be My Baby.

"If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate."

I don't listen to The Fray that much anymore, but I always remember that song. And it seems more fitting than ever. I'm in a very quiet mood. I'm going to sit and hope for Sage to come back..

This is something I posted as an update on facebook earlier. I don't want it to be deleted. That and anyone that would read it from this opposed to an updated status im sure might appreciate it in some aspect.

Sticky poison set in lungs.
Turn my eyes from clouded sun.
follow the imaginary balance beam,
leading to my unknown sea.
"Where are you?"
One step forward, I breath in deep.
Struggle, and Repeat.

Better Place, Better Time.

I've come to believe there is no worse pain than loss. No matter what you lose. or who you lose. How you lose said loss, well that's what can change things. Im sitting here, starring at the screen, searching for anything to write. Trying to make myself feel a certain way.

A friend of mine once told me that it was bad to try and control my emotions. Today my thoughts are somewhat confused, but that's not blog talk. Sorry.

My eyes, hands, and tongue all slightly sting, cause I ate an oatmeal cookie =[ Wearing my chucks toady. Tattered old blue jeans, striped blue, black, & white T-shirt stolen from the little boy's section at value village. Black hoodie I've had for about five years, and navy plaid jacket. I'm delusional, I think. Mind is dull so far today. "All I wanna do all day is spend it in bed, but thats bad for the body, and even worse for my head." Feeling like a downer, no more.

Ouch

Going on half an hour of sleep and 400 mg of caffeine. Nothing feels completely real, but I don't exactly mind that. I finished my paper, Homework packet, and notes for history. As well as A'ced my vocab test in English. Now all I have left is some work sheets & a quiz to take in Algebra, and 45 minutes or so of strictly studying up on my german which will hopefully be done over chinese food with one of my favorite people, Josh Brown (who happens to be a german-speaking-pro). Maybe I should be proud, but maybe I shouldn't have put myself in the position I was in in the firs place. I was pretty delusional last night when I did finally lie down. It started to rain pretty bad, and I thought I heard Sage. So I got up and got some food & water for her and went outside. I waited a little while under cover of the front porch, but didn't see her. Took off my sweater and laid it out like a bed next to the food & went back inside to sleep.

Time to go.

Sladky Yahzick

Going on a bit short of two hours sleep, but I drank some coffee this morning so other than having very off physical senses I'm feeling fine. Still sick but seems to be a bit better than yesterday. I've reached a sort of common ground with what I want as of recently. I know what makes me happy, and what makes me hurt. Those things that hurt can tempt me from time to time, in their own moments. Though I may get burned, Im certainly done shoving my hand into the fire.

I could go for a back massage.."Where are you?!"

It's interesting to me the variety of reactions I get for the things I wear. People either think I'm 'Adorable' .. just because. 'Trendy' because I'm different. 'Awesome' because about 90% of my clothes are from value village. And last but not least, the oh so common 'What the hell are you wearing?' That one always makes me smile real big, I guess I was never one for compliments.

This is my new friend Sage.

Im in a wonderful mood. Things are just going smoothly for me, especially with the year ending and all awaiting me this summer. I have to write a paper this weekend on AIDS. Only three pages, which is lovely.

Plans for Summer are as follows

• Europe- (7.2.09 to 7.12.09) with Parents.
• Door County- Whenever possible with Sheridan & Lori.
• Appleton- Staying with Danny, 1 week min. hopefully.
• Madison- ASAP with Destiny & Audrey, to see Jacob.
• Chicago- Hopefully taken alone, Some Saturday.
• Streamwood, IL- Sheridan's Dad's house.
  

My only disappointment in all of that is that Alaska isn't on it. I've been dreaming of it lately even, but the bell is going to ring in four minutes & I'd like to find a book.

"Let the black flower blossom as it may."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

Breathing

I feel like it's been sometime since I've written anything of substanance into this, so here goes. Today was long, and as usual blurred together. I came home early, i'm having some trouble breathing. And the shitty ventalation at Case doesn't help. But anyways, spent the day relaxing. Which yes was nice but I keep thinking about the homework that I could've gotten done in x hours. Ah well.

I went out to eat with my Dad, which is always nice. When we got home I decided to spend a few hours outside wandering. Ended up finding something like that of a small room set back in the woods lining the nine acres behind my house. There was some over-grown shrubs that I cut away. Then grabbed a few things from my house/room/garage. (I especially like the way one of the tree's has fallen. Creates a hanger like stub perfect for my backpack.)

-Chair, taken from garage.
-Candle, taken from my bookshelf.
-Sheet, taken from beneath my bed.
-Large shard of mirror, originally taken from the creative center.
-Hot Air Balloon tin, (consists of various little necessities) from my grandma.

That's all I've pulled together thus far.

Pulling an all nighter. Sort of kicking my immune system while it's down, but I have work to do.

I'll conclude this with a quick note on what I'm expecting of my weekend. Sheridan will be in town, and I can actually sleep at her house (No excuses for coming home at 4:00 am necessary). This means that Saturday night is going to be in one sense or another, a well deserved escape.

YAWN

I'm sick again. I suppose I'm about due, my immune system is horrible. Decided to write in homeroom today.

Days pass from the first filled of your glow,

With each anew something in me grows.

Every desire to know and be known,

While together alas heart and mind flow.

Not my best, but fitting.

Precocious

I'm very cold right now. I never realized you could change the color of the text. Not that I've got any reason to. My heart feels like it's being pulled from every direction, trying to reach out. I don't know who that'd make sense to but that's the best way I can explain it in brief. 

There is someone I like very much in my life right now, I hope he doesn't go anywhere any time soon. Wish I could add some more but the bell is going to ring in about three minutes and I've yet to scavenge the "Free books" table. Peace.

Half-Assed.

Candy-Stripe a cancer ward, It's not my problem.

Project Basic 482

Im not as tired today. Not as tired. I was thinking and realizing this is the longest I've gone in over .. at least a year and a half with getting to just cuddle with someone. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I want to of course, but anyone that would want to just cuddle probably likes me more than a friend. I don't know if I'm explaining that correctly. When I was in elementary school, I remember the teacher telling me that when you write 'I' in reference to yourself it was capitalized because it always stood alone. And I remember thinking that I would always be alone. Im very calm right now. At peace, I feel it in my wrists. Joints all over actually to some degree or another. Hard to explain. Today is toga day for the seniors, i think back to when my brother was a senior. Wonder what reason he had for not doing any of it, Not that I plan to. Just I'd expect it from him. Audrey and I will be taking all of our prom money and using for a road trip, nothing too big I'd imagine. She was talking about going through Chicago, then just finding nowhere after that and staying there for awhile (she came up with this idea in the paring lot this morning, where we were hiding from emo kids and cops)  I'm excited. I should probably get to work on some of the english worksheets I need to have done for tomorrow. I can see my reflection in the computer monitor. Black make up around sunken hazel eyes. Straight nearly black choppy hair, subtle flips around jaw line. Clear white skin, so light.  lips pinker than they would be if I didn't chew at them, despite that still smooth. Nine minutes to find another book.

"Standing Still"

JI Case High school, has. a terrible. Terrible newspaper. That's the only reason I was going to join newspaper publications. At least I know how to use spell check. And the poems in there are so juvenile... I hope not too many kids take that shit seriously. Haha anyways, enough of me ranting. Next year I'll start my underground newspaper, too late in the year now and I don't have the drive. Why I am talking so much about nothing? Completely dazed.

Last night was great . And, when I say great. I mean long and blurry and I smiled so much my cheeks are sore. People are so mutha fuckin annoying. let me tell you. I just remembered I have "Awake" pills in my pocket. Is it messed up that the label actually says "Awake" ? Makes me think of a future where everything would come in medication. My friend Jacob Zinda who is baby cousin to my friend Axel Zinda just walked by and told me it was "cute" that I had a blog. Anyways. But everything would have a pill that you had to take to get it. Because our planet would be dead, and we wouldnt be able to grow any crops and all the animals would die, we would have to rely on science to make the things we need for us in pills. the bottles would all be labeled, just like the awake pills. "Nutrients" "H20". big font.

TIME IS GOING SO SLOW. I hate homeroom days, accept for the fact that I get to sit By my buddy Matt Schallhorne (sp?) He's not the most popular guy, and has more quirkes than others it seems but he's genius. And friendly. Friendly people are usually great. I asked why I was talking about nothing but Im not coming out with anything better. Exhausted, more homework tonight.. someone please remind me to NOT be a complete procrastinator. I wish I had, a little dinosaur that would sit on my shoulder and remind me of what I needed to do. And he was smart, like that owl on whinnie the pooh or fucking, "cha-cha" and i could ask him anything and he'd answer me in this like, old english butler man accent. Id name him .. Jon just walked by. he thinks its cool that i have a blog, why is everyone so curious? Id name him Ferin or Horseman. and he'd be a flying dinosaur that could fit in the palm of my hand. I could use some coffee. "That grave and wholesome liquor, which makes the genius quicker."

Little Pills

Today the boy that moved in a few minutes from my house earlier this year sat next to me on the bus. His name is Marshall, He's 18. Came from Tampa, Florida but I don't know why. He has rather large gauges, short dark wavy hair, slender & tall. I think it'd be nice if we became friends, someone to hang out with. Anyways. Im now scheduled for CRC, dropped German and Newspaper Publication for next year so I can have a lunch. Its really nice out today.

I made a CD last night. Mustard Plug, Reel Big Fish, and The Flatliners. Most other music is pretty shitty after listening to an hour of Ska, happy music. Even my mom liked it somewhat, or at least liked watching my insane gestures as I sing along. It made her laugh. The bell's going to ring in about ten minutes and I'd like to find a book so, that's that. Peace.

Vienna Waits

I'm worried. And I don't know if I really should be. Loss and loneliness always manage to throw me into loops of doubt. Loneliness is currently present, sends in the fear of losing.. something, someone. Being grounded kind of messes with my head, but I think it's good. Growing.. And the doubting thing, I'm not going to let myself dwell on. First of all because I have no facts yet, and second of all I just have too many other things I need to focus on. Those things and just knowing that everything will be perfectly fine in no time at all. Summer is well on it's way, grades are looking up, and im no longer anticipating that next year is going to be so tough. I'm deciding to stay at case and have a senior year. There's no significant other that's pushing me to get out and grow up, and there are definitely perks when it comes to college what with IB testing and (according to my counselor) 4 year colleges are more likely to accept a 4 year high school graduate.

I'm sort of wondering if I've made a mistake. Ugh, I said I wasn't going to think about this, did'nt I? Life is good. Life is good. Life is suffering, and I'm learning to accept that. Therefore, life is good. I am content. Two songs spinning in my head.

"Sucker love a box I choose,
No other box I choose to use.
Another love I would abuse.
No circumstances could excuse.

In the shape of things to come,
too much poison, come undone.
Cause there's nothing else to do. Every me and Every you"




Every Me and Every You - Placebo

The other doesn't need to be mentioned.

There she goes again..

Small birds are my only friends as I wake to an empty house. Grounded; No phone, No cell phone, No instant messaging, No going out with friends. But I am allowed apparently to write people. Which I think is great. Oh and I was grounded for two rather poor grades on my home report.

Anyways. Last night was the last performance of my first show. Big dance after wards, it was nice. I haven't done anything like that in a really long time. Then my brother picked me up and I spent some time with him, which I also haven't done in some time. I got new lip jewelry, A shorter flat back, I think it looks much better. Rather than go out on the motorcycles for the day with my dad and his friend Tim whose visiting from England, I'm staying in and writing a paper on AIDS, relating it to something in History. I was thinking Black plauge or Small pox.

Something I never added into any of my previous entries that maybe should be mentioned is that I no longer have a boyfriend. Not sure where my mind is with thoughts of me being with someone. There is one boy who I'll say, if I could, I would actually try doing so. My lips are hot, because I ate a scone and it had little oats all over the outside. Sometime yesterday between talking with Brandon (Theater's Promo Guy) and getting in my brother's car I realized I should probably keep my work together. Ive done so many drawings, sketches, and poems..and the best answer I could give you as to where they are would be on the desk's of Case High school.

"And even though I know how very far apart we are, It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.



Somewhere out there, If love can see us through,
Then we'll be together, Somewhere out there,
Out where dreams Come true... "

Adorable song, makes me smile. Interesting how the meaning of something can change.

Nothing Specific

Late start today, don't have much to write about. I'm going to Europe on July 2nd. School will be over in more or less a month, which means I should really start getting everything together with my grades. I think my dog is going to die soon. Tomorrow is opening day for The Key To Love, getting pulled from all of my classes for the day show. This weekend should be great if everything goes as planned.

Strange mood lately, need to fix it. Time to walk to my bus stop.

Come on Darling

There is a song, that immediately ties with one of my fondest memories. Late into fall, Bare trees, air cold enough just to see my breath by the street light's dim aura at 6:00am. Absolutely no cars because the old bridge was torn down. I don't remember anything else from that day. What I was wearing, day of the week. anything. But I don't ever want to forget it.

placebo - running up that hill songs
free Music downloads | Free Mp3 downloads!

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

Running Up That Hill - Placebo



Today was exhausting, and I'm not anticipating any change of pace until Saturday night. I have my Ipod back now and plan on doing some serious changes with it. But we'll see. I need to find someone with a mac that I can use so I don't lose everything currently on there. Also I'm a bit farther in Parable of the Sower. I'm really getting into it, which I think is great because it's been too long since I've really read something. Two things happened today.I remembered 1. why I dislike showing people my art or my own created something or another. And 2. Im begining to dislike fitting into social standards more and more. Not sure where that will take me, but Im starting to thrive on the second glances from these people in the hallways at school and anywhere else. Thinking they have any idea as to who I may be, What I am capable of. They don't know me, I am a mystery because I dont wear mini-skirts and flip-flops. My life is difficult at times because i think so much. I am slowly coming about this sort of total happiness though. I think from a few different things collected (Art, friendships, and..one person imparticular). I feel, liberated. And new. I can feel the changes in my life, turning again. Must be Spring.

18

Today I went for a walk. It was a beautiful day. The field opposing my front yard is backed by a string of trees, along the root river. Unfortunately due to my mothers great worries I didn't get to explore much farther in after I told her what I was up to. So, instead went back to the bridge for the first time since it's been rebuilt (picture). I'm not sure how much I truly enjoy going there, but it's nice to have a quiet place and it is quite beautiful. That is if your into shitty graffiti, polluted water and what not as my slightly warped nature is. I love my parents. And not to say I like him better, but my Dad. He's essentially the only person capable of flipping my entire mood. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be hanging out with a friend I haven't seen or much less spoken to in years. Were going to the carnival, I'm pretty excited. This is enough of this for tonight though. Better things to attend to.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;

Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

-William Shakespeare (Sonnet 18)

Balance

shut your eyes, see the future's distant shore.
march ahead more enlightened than before
and there's sure to be bumps
and distractions but I know we'll get through
there will be me, there will be you
there will be a way
unresolved repercussions from your life
fortified with the vitriol of strife
and you can be gridlocked by predictions,
but you're wise grab the prize
then revise, realize there will be a way
hey... ho
and I don't know where we are going
but we're here on this ride
and we'll stand side by side all along the way
follow me to the future's distant shore
vagary needn't haunt us anymore
and now it's time to set the agenda,
learn the past, make it last
share the wealth, hold your fire,
conserve life, make it right
kill the hate, negotiate
there will be a way

(Bad Religion - "There will be A way")

Not really one of my favorite songs. But, I like the lyrics. I should really be sleeping but can't seem to. Ive been advised of recent to make things not so public on this. Good point. so that whole lyrical bit isn't going to be described. My night turned out great, great conversation.

I'm really into life right now. Excited for it. impatient maybe. Going to lay down now.

114

Second day with pink-eye. My mom will be here shorty to bring me into the doctor. This picture seems to be matching my mood and then some. Hopefully I'll be able to go out with friends tonight, if not Ill be pretty dissappointed. Going to go read a bit more of my book now though.




"Or whether doth my mind being crowned with you
Drink up the monarch's plague this flattery?
Or whether shall I say mine eye saith true,
And that your love taught it this alchemy?
To make of monsters, and things indigest,
Such cherubins as your sweet self resemble,
Creating every bad a perfect best
As fast as objects to his beams assemble:
O 'tis the first, 'tis flattery in my seeing,
And my great mind most kingly drinks it up,
Mine eye well knows what with his gust is 'greeing,
And to his palate doth prepare the cup.
If it be poisoned, 'tis the lesser sin,
That mine eye loves it and doth first begin".

-William Shakespeare (Sonnet 114)