Blue Moon


I'm convinced no one will ever know how fragile my heart actually is.

I wanted to show you. I thought you would understand, but I got so hurt along the way.
I became so focused on trying to find my way back that I lost sight of how to show you at all.

I wanted desperately to forgive you, I know you're only human. But I couldn't, and I can't, because my feelings for you are inhuman. My love for you is beyond life and death and dimensions. And unfortunately, the only thing that could ever match it's permanence, is it's frailty.

Now I have all of these things that have happened in my head. All these things I thought two people in love were incapable of doing to each other, and it's left me absolutely terrified of myself and the only  prospective partner I've come across thus far. I don't want to be alone, I don't need to be. But more than that, I don't want to have to deal with the paranoia I now seem to involuntarily associate with trust.





Goodnight.


Heartless

Trash, Go Pick It Up.



Sometimes I want to be pretty, sometimes I'm just dirty and sleep deprived.
But I'm never any of the girls you wanted to be with while we were dating.

"Actions speak louder than words, Samantha."

My eardrums have burst.

I may seem to be being unhealthy, but it really isn't that big of a deal.
Sometimes I just need to be reminded that despite whatever pretty words seep out of your mouth,
you haven't changed. And it all just makes me so incredibly proud of myself.


It has been nice, to be wanted. It's been nice to be held, and looked after. It's been nice to have someone there when I need them, rather than someone who determines for themselves if I need them or not.

And as for the times I've left him alone in his bed..
They had nothing to do with you or insufficient emotional fulfillment.

I'm just a scared little asshole who only really ever thinks of herself.



Ahhem

Looking back at the last four years, usually all I can see are the people.

How do you truly come to know someone? How is it possible to know anyone before knowing yourself? My adolescence has been plagued by questions like this, leaving me in this strange state of an almost inhuman humanity.

Everyone has a base of who they are.

My name is Samantha, I was raised in a loving family. The majority of my childhood was spent in the city, and the later half in stark contrast. I have one brother, he is six years older than me. I'm a Leo.

We are given this flatline that can be shared with any regular Molly or Joe, within, for most people, comfortable reason. If they like or maybe share similar qualities, we reach further. We learn each other's fear or fames. Hear stories, and illustrate a bit more of who the other person is. We take in their past, we tie it to our own and develop a bond that can from that point, if we so chose, keep each other around long enough to observe and create a more vivid understanding of who they are.

If you keep them around, until proven what you've imagined, we delve even deeper. And at some point, the lines between them as an individual and them as a part of you become blurred. We allow them, as they allow us, the opportunity to become more of their base line.

My name is Samantha, I was raised in a loving family. The majority of my childhood was spent in the city, and the later half in stark contrast. I have one brother, he is six years older than me. I'm a Leo. I have been in love with so and so for four years. My best friend and I get together and munch hot cheetos every Sunday.

The issue in all of this is, that once you start letting people in, and allow them to become a part of who you are, you can absolutely never not let them be a part of who you are.

My name is Samantha, I was raised in a loving family. The majority of my childhood was spent in the city, and the later half in stark contrast. I have one brother, he is six years older than me. I'm a Leo. So and so left me, and I had to be committed for three weeks. My best friend stopped liking hot cheetos.

Leaving your self susceptible to another person changing the base of who you are can be terrifying if you've been mislead or hurt by this process before, but the reality of it is that you have to. And you're going to find someone else, your going to find someone who likes hot cheetos again, and you might even find someone else who had to be committed. Life is so full of these complex little equations, and it leaves my head spinning. But I do think I'm starting to solve them a little better than I used to.

Or at least I hope.

Either way, all that can be done is all that will be done. One sleepless night at a time.




You are a crazy casey and a liar.


Anti-biotics make me feel like poop.

My toes are cold, and you're a little hoe.
So tonight I'm going to the capital of Rome
for kisses and big arms and smiles of gold.


I feel a little better now.