147

I feel so tired lately, I'm not sure why. Well, I suppose it may have something to do with my sleeping habits. Well, actually. I'm positive. Sleeping from 2 or 3 every morning until 5:30 and taking "Awake" pills can't be healthy. Ah well. I wish things weren't complicated. I know that they're only so bad as I make them, but .. I have my reasons. My thoughts. Be them good or bad, right or wrong. They are there, the defining line of all I do. and, overall I am happy. In a way that I haven't been in sometime. It's like I really can't manage to stay upset about something for longer than a few minutes. It's great. I started a new book today, "Parable of the Sower" by Octavia Butler. First page had a quote that I really did like, but it said something of god which worries me. I'm not one for the Jesus-such. But I was told it wasn't really like that, and I am trying to be more open-minded with Christianity and "God" with some of my Mother's new ideas.





"My love is as a fever, longing still
For that which longer nurseth the disease,
Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,
Th'uncertain sickly appetite to please.
My reason, the physician to my love,
Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
Hath left me, And I desperate now approve
Desire is death, Which physic did except.
Past cure I am, now reason is past care,
And, frantic mad with evermore unrest,
My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,
At my random from the truth vainly expressed:
For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art black as hell, as dark as night."


-William Shakespeare (Sonnet 147)



Off I go now, into the night.

Old..

It seems to me I've been here before, but maybe I've only become better at distracting myself. Recently recognizing that my mind and the way it works is a terribly far cry from the life I've got and how I should be. I disgust myself. I'm insanely selfish. Anything I care about is simply an attachment I've formed in the process of trying to make myself feel better. Anyone I care about I ruin. Whether they're aware of it or not, the relationship will at one point or another either hurt them if they can't gather the sense to leave or be ruined upon my behalf. This is evident with my parents mainly. I can find few ways in which they could be any better parents. The good that they want for me, the opportunities they've set for me.. And I do what? Shove it in there faces, daily. I know how to treat people because of them, yes. But the choices I've made and things that I've done would tear them apart. I take absolutely everything I've got in life for granted.