Downtown Owl.

This is a blog. It's a blog, to be filled with whatever I might want to fill it with. There are many like it, but this one's mine. In the past it's been filled with apologies, angst, statements of heartbreak, and the treasures of true love. Things of that nature. And I don't know if I want to keep doing that, I don't know if theres a point that we all grow out of our angsty, love drunk, or maybe waist deep poetry and/or ramblings, the tiny bits of tenderness we find within ourselves and want to write down. Be it for another pair of eyes, or the sheer aspect of getting a thought out into the world. I've strayed from it, and now coming back to and looking at the blogs of those I used to follow, being filled with all that they are, I cant say I'm there with them anymore. But I can say that my favorite english teacher retired last year. I sat at this very computer two years ago and wrote on this very blog of how much I appreciated the 25$ gift card she had just given me, for "being the greatest TA she'd ever had". With it, I cant remember what I bought, I think maybe some kind of self help book, or sketch book- which really in my terms might be the same thing. But either way, I hope she's making cookies in double ovens and being happy with her husband. Because I think after 30 years of teaching with RUSD, she deserves that.

1/29/11

There are many things about you that I know. When you say something, you mean it. You do what you know how to do, and when you dont know how to do something, you default. There are things you do to make yourself feel better about where youre at, and though I shall say they dont affect me the way you expect them to, I accept them.. as colaterall. Because I know you. I think that you still know that, but you might not because your personality goes through it's cycles. You may be laughing at all of this, and/or thinking of how wrong I am. But youre still reading it, and I hope that if anything that says something deep down in your heart. And I hope that for one instant you can listen to that voice in your heart, not for my sake, not for your sake. But for the sake of having one more moment of the beauty that we shared, one moment where you dont have to try and make yourself feel better or anything like that. Because everything went wrong, and neither of us wanted this. Someday I think I will write you that letter, but now isnt the time. And maybe that time will never come, but either way I hope that you can smile and feel it in your heart again, and be safe in knowing that everything is pure, even if just for the one second where you realized that this was written for you.
I believed you when you said you loved me unconditionally. I believe that you are hurt, under all of your armer, you are broken. And I am responsible for part of that, so to take responsibility, I am leaving for awhile. Because I know that is what we both need. So you have this, and I hope you find it, and I hope you remember, when you are down, that i am out there somewhere being alive, and I havent forgotten any of you. I hope you know that none of this has been said because I want to be with you again- but simply because I havent changed as much as you think I have, and though i am no longer in love with you, I still love you, unconditionally.