I Guess It Must Be Up To Me

A slow bottle of champagne makes multiple hours of studying significantly more enjoyable.

This one is for all the pretty boys on campus that smile at me, and a laugh at the thought that you were threatened I'd care to be with any one of them over you.

Ridiculous, my love. Astonishingly ridiculous.


I wish nineteen year old you and nineteen year old me could hang out for one night, and listen to Bob Dylan, and read poems, and watch Star Trek, and go for a walk.  Maybe get some 40oz, and smoke some pot. And smile. You're so damn beautiful when you smile.

Direct

Lately, every time I get sad, I think it's the saddest I've ever been.

Then I realize that without you, there will always be another sadder time.

I don't care if you aren't reading this.

I still love you. Every night, every hour, and every minute, of every single day.

It's excruciating, and exhausting.

But it seems to be all I have left of you, 

so I hold on, tighter than ever before.

to my self-pity, my depression, my empty heart.

It motivates me.

I would rather feel broken by you than loved by anyone else.

I mean, i'd of course rather not feel broken.

But It's all you leave me to hold on to,

when you cut me out.

We are ridiculous. 

And I know you don't know what else to do,

and I knew it was coming sooner or later.

"I Love you. I'm a stupid fucking idiot in Love. My Love is only matched by my stupidity, because after how hurt I am, I'd do it all again just to be with you."

I'm a stupid fucking idiot. I tried pretty hard not to be, but with something as meaningful as you, and us, and sitting in the aftermath alone.. all I can do is doubt myself.

I hope you're okay. I hope you aren't telling yourself I don't love you, or blaming me because I didn't come back when you wanted me again. But if you are, just remember when you are done protecting yourself, and you're laying down alone, sad, or angry, or missing me, or unable to sleep, that you are still in my heart.